6 months ago my wife Ruby died due to stage 4 cancer - I originally posted this on Facebook 36 hours after she died. The last line I wrote was that I “need to go away and dream it all up again”. That was partly a reference to something Bono said on 30th Dec 1989 (U2 being at the end of an era - in the end reinventing themselves in the 90s) and partly something I felt that I really needed to do after losing someone I had shared my hopes and dreams with for nearly half my life.
The last 6 months have been very busy, dealing with everything and the loss of Ruby, but about a month ago I started thinking about those words on one of my work trips to Melbourne. I realised didn’t need to find a new dream or reinvent myself like U2 did. Instead “dreaming it all up again” was about how I move forward and how I function each day in what is now a new era in my life.
And here it is: I need to be happy being me.
Am I happy being me? Being brutally honest - only sort of. Part of this is I think I need to be a better me - Ben version 4 if you will. Basically I want to be happy with my choices, being the best father and role model for my boys, being more decisive and not regretting or wasting any moment of my life.
I'm not saying I am starting this today as it is the 6 month anniversary of Ruby's death. Part of my thinking in the last month is that I have actually already started this. The work has begun, but is not yet finished…
I did want to do/start something at the 6 month point - which is restarting this blog (after nearly 5 years of silence) and posting regularly. Why restart the blog? Partly as I want to share what is going on with me and the boys (that doesn’t fit in 140 characters), partly to say the things I can’t say in person (yet) and mainly just because I bloody-well want to.
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