Monday 5 February 2018

12 months - Remembering Ruby

Saturday 3rd Feb was 12 months since Ruby died (my original post 12 months back). It seems such a long time and yet at the same time not so long ago. On Saturday my logical brain said this day is no different to the previous 364, but my emotional brain was on a rollercoaster ride. And to be honest it was in charge.

I felt like there was extra pressure on me and while I was ok, there was an undercurrent of sadness ready to leap out. I know I need to be aware of the “big” days and I make sure I am ready, have things to do, have family/friends/support around. But Saturday felt very different to Ruby’s birthday, Christmas and the 6 months. And I still don’t know why it was different.

I was planning on writing something and posting it. I tried all week and couldn’t really find any words. I had a number of ideas, but I just couldn’t piece it all together. On Friday night I sat down with the intention of actually getting it done - I couldn’t. Just could not write. And just too upsetting (the bit about Depeche Mode, below, really set me off). On Sunday was able to write most of this post. I could write again. And I was back to where I normally am.

Ruby didn’t want those of us who knew her to be sad. She said to many people in her last week to not be sad and that she had had a good life. I'm trying to live up to that - have a good life and (for the most part) be happy. We only get a short time in this life and don't know how long we get, best not to waste our lives - and Ruby really didn't want me to waste my life.

A few times in the past 12 months (and honestly it has happened more often recently) I have found myself wishing I could tell/show Ruby things. I like to think she would have enjoyed Depeche Mode’s new album Spirit (released only a month after she died and the first single came out the day she died) and U2’s Songs of Experience (she did like Songs of Innocence). Or how the kids are doing - Tim being so improved at spelling and so interested in geography or how tall Jeremy is getting or how well he is doing at swimming.

This morning I have a counseling session. I have been attending these about once a month since last February. I think I am doing well and have been thinking for some time now that this would be the last one. It will be my last one. For now. I can always go back if I need to.

So while there are times when I really miss Ruby - I think that I was really lucky to know her and have her in my life. We all were.